Ode to Cunn(tingham) ROFL

Another lecture, another sonnet. Fucking god, I hate my Shakespeare professor.

Cunningham! Thou saucy, painted harlot!
Lascivious nymph (you inflate my Blimp--
I said it-- Blimp Tip red rich scarlet!)
"Lookit, bitch," Ha! I speak to you as pimp.
Step back, Chao, you're getting awful violent,
Sweet Bees (as she) drink naught but honeyed wine.
So chill, baby, play it cool refinement.
Pedantic shit-- and from your palm she'll dine...
O, Cunningham! My silver-tonguéd Muse,
Thine luscious lumps and caverns to spelunk,
Vast continent that none yet dare to claim.
Yet I be bold: my flag inside thy cooze
I then shall plant once thou art finely Crunk.
Cunningham! In these loins thou findst thy fame!

Ode To kx5

An extemporaneous sonnet written to my dear friend kx5 upon the dubious honor of Shakespeare lecture with Professor Cunningham (quite possibly the hottest piece of ass in the English Department):

How then shall I mention Kyle's buttcheeks?
Thou supple, silky founts of creamy bliss!
Look on them, Eyes, and turn to flowing creeks--
Behold his Pearly Gates-- God's Own Chalice!
Contained within: Ambrosia mortals miss,
Holy Conflagration turned to pillowy sweet
My breath runs short-- sweet nothings turn to "hisssss...!"
Or as a goat, who supplicates: "Ble-eaaat!"
Suffer me to suckle at they nether teat!
You tease me cruel; my tiny heart doth crackle,
Smolder, smoke, and stumbling skip a beat--
Were you drywall, oh, I'd be your spackle.
Subversive flatt'ry-- I'm a leaking spigot,
Get away from me, you filthy faggot!

(A paean to over-the-counter non-drowsy cold medications! Hurrah, hurrah!
My teeth are ringing like churchbells; I've got bees in my bonnet, and me fingers won't stop fidgeting! Hurrah, hurrah!)